Wow, I've been gone for a bit... So I had a non-optional hospital visit. I was feeling pretty hopeless and a friend called the police after a week of me contemplating suicide and starting to actually create plans. The psychiatric ward was not as bad as I thought it would be. I was imagining One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, so maybe that is a good thing. But it also could have been because I was sensible and logical and not actually freaking out when this all happened.
I was diagnosed by a doctor and therapist with depression and anxiety and gender dysphoria. I think being diagnosed with dysphoria eased a lot of pressure off of me. Not only does it give me evidence and confirmation for my parents (see old posts), but it puts my own doubts to sleep.
See, that's one of the natural issues with being transgender but not realising it at age 4 or 5. We doubt ourselves, even though we know it's true. Just naturally. And it's true for almost all transgender people but if we acknowledge this openly, others who don't understand doubt us too, believing that we're lying or invalid or just confused. None of which is true. Something one trans person told me before is that we're never 100% sure until we're done transitioning (which can vary per person, but they were transsexual so they were implying getting all the surgeries and socially). That in itself is daunting and scary because in a way, although there are checkpoints, you'll never be sure until you've permanently changed your body.
Luckily the doctor confirmed my thoughts that hormones are the best first step towards transitioning. And if it happens I'm not transgender, I'll most likely realise it on hormones (the first 6 months of which should be naturally reversible, if not, reversible by mastectomies). So now, with that diagnosis, I feel more comfortable being me in public (acting 'girly').
For those of you who don't understand what dysphoria is, I encourage you to look it up. That'll give you the basic definition although it varies by person. The best way you can empathetically understand is to imagine swapping bodies with someone of opposite birth sex. (I don't want to leave non-binary out here but for demonstration purposes this is simplest) Not an attractive celebrity just an average person. Yeah, it may be fun to have the opposite body for a bit, guys, let's be honest you might enjoy it a little more than the girls ;p But imagine staying in that body forever. You wouldn't want it would you? That's how I feel, I don't want this body. I know I'll always have it but some modifications are necessary.
If you truly want to understand gender dysphoria, there is a way, even if you are not transgender. Since dysphoria is essentially a mismatch of external and internal gender, in the same way those who are transgender (different gender internally than externally) fix it by transitioning; you'll trigger it by transitioning if you are cis (same gender internally and externally). Look up how to transition without hormones nor surgery. Maybe even try it. It'd only be a small taste but maybe you'll learn something that can't be put into words.
Let me know if you do! I'm curious to know how it goes. But stop if it becomes mentally troubling! Love you all and see you next post!
~Bri